Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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