I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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