3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
