I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
