hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
