I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
