Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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