he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize