You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
