my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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