I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
