I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
