i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
