just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just invented taco cereal.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
