it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
