How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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