I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
