the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
