She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
