i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
