idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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