in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
