Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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