sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
