turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Randomize
