Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
