Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize