what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
