I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
