Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sext me about skeletons
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
