You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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