You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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