Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
