dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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