i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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