just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
