Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
