He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
