he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
