I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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