You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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