Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
