I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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