Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
