Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
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