Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
