he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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