So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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