Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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