new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
