I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
