dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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