this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
