the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize